


This Ain't No Taco Bell

by DestielWS



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Gen, Human Castiel, I'm just gonna put that right out there, It's kinda detailed too., Men of Letters Bunker, No Romance, No Smut, Scat, Universe Alteration, but its close enough honestly, it's not 100 percent canon tbh, y'all have been WARNED
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 13:34:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7803871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestielWS/pseuds/DestielWS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After eating some deceivingly good tacos, Dean gets a quickly on-set food poisoning, but in a petty feud against his brother, refuses to get out of the car to do what needs to be done until what needs to be done...is already done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Ain't No Taco Bell

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for poop. In case you missed it. 
> 
> Don't say I didn't warn you.

3 Hours Earlier

* * *

 

“These are the best god damn tacos I’ve ever eaten.” Dean declared, wiping his hands on his pants after his fifth taco.

 

“Let’s see if you say that in a few hours.” Sam snorted. “Who knows what they put in these things? Shady joint like this?”

 

“They taste fine, Sam. They taste amazing.” Dean argued. “You’re missing out over there with your four dollar pre-packaged salad from the gas station. That’s not human.”

 

“Bet that’s what the people in the room next to us at the motel are gonna think too when they hear you.” Sam retorted.

 

“Shut up.” Dean scoffed. “You’re missing so much right now.”

 

“I’m not going to be missing the stomach cramps.” Sam stated.

 

“Fuck you.” Dean rolled his eyes. “Hey, señorita? Can I get another order of fries?”

 

“More?” Sam groaned. “How much can you fit in there?”

 

“Let’s find out.” Dean grinned.

* * *

Now 

* * *

After dinner, they went to pick up Cas from their motel, who had asked to stay in for the night. He said he wasn’t hungry and was tired and was going to nap, but every time he said that, they kept finding wadded up tissues in the trash and porn pop-ups on the laptop. One more thing Dean wanted to avoid was walking in on his best friend, so he took his time getting there.

 

His stomach had been gurgling pretty noisily on the way there and he felt kind of nauseous and he debated trying to use the bathroom before getting on the way back to Kansas, but didn’t want to waste time or have Sam tease him about the tacos the whole way home.

 

But they’d been driving for two hours straight now and were only fifteen minutes out from the bunker. They all just wanted to get back to the closest thing they had to a home and back to their own beds. They’d put off bathroom breaks all together, passing around a large cup from the gas station if they needed to pee.

 

Dean’s stomach was hurting him though. Bad. And Sam could tell and was giving him no slack.

 

“Those tacos still worth it now?” Sam asked, cackling.

 

“The tacos are fine. Just a little indigestion.” Dean stated.

 

“Would you like a Tums? I think there’s one in my coat.” Cas offered, extending his hand. “I eat them a lot so I think this is my last one.”

 

“Since when do you need Tums?” Sam asked.

 

“They taste delicious.” Cas replied.

 

Sam gave him a funny look and then looked down at his hand, laughing loudly. “Cas, that’s not stomach medicine. That’s a LifeSaver. It’s candy.”

 

Even Dean laughed at that. “Cas, read labels more often.”

 

“They look like Tums though.” Cas protested, taking his hand back and popping the candy in his mouth.

 

“No they don’t.” Sam whispered.

 

“Even if that was a Tums, I wouldn’t eat it. It’s covered in pocket lint. And who knows what the fuck you put in those pockets.” Dean replied.

 

“I don’t put anything in them.” Cas frowned. “Just the things you give me.”

 

“Well knowing Dean, I wouldn’t trust your pocket lint either then.” Sam retorted.

 

“Should I be offended?” Dean asked.

 

“No, you should be driving.” Cas said.

 

Dean made a sharp hissing noise followed by a muffled groan and leaned forward a little bit.

 

“Indigestion my ass!” Sam sneered.

 

“Bad indigestion.” Dean winced, sitting up straight again.

 

“You know, Dean, I hope the tacos didn’t smell like this when you ate them.” Cas replied, leaning forward and putting his face in between Sam and Dean’s.

 

Sam began laughing and looked over at him. “Oh yeah. You’re sitting behind him. Poor you.”

 

Dean’s face was turning a shade of red now at the ridicule, but he just pretended it wasn’t happening and kept his eyes on the road, trying to focus on the little white lines instead of the cramping in his lower abdomen.

 

Cas sat back in his seat and Sam looked back at him. “Breathe through the mouth, Castiel.”

 

“I’m going to hit you in a minute.” Dean growled, as a small leak of gas slipped out again.

 

Within seconds, Cas coughed a little and moved over to Sam’s side of the car. “There are some senses that I pity humanity for having all this time.”

 

“Fuck you both.” Dean grumbled.

 

“But those tacos were good, right?” Sam smiled.

 

“Delicious. And I’d shove one up your ass if I could.” Dean said.

 

“That’s crude.” Cas muttered.

 

Dean groaned again a little louder as he felt another stabbing pain.

 

“You sure you’re okay there, Dean?” Sam asked, a little concerned this time. “Need to pull over?”

 

“I’m fine, Sammy.” Dean growled, exhaling tensely as the wave of pain passed.

 

“Are you sure?” Cas frowned, leaning forward into the front seat again.

 

“Yes, I’m sure, Cas.” Dean sighed, internally cursing to himself as he felt his stomach churning around.

 

They began entering the wooded area surrounding the bunker and Dean internally cheered himself on to get it together for a few more minutes. But the bumpier dirt road made it harder for him to control everything and gas escaped more frequently, Sam rolling down a window eventually.

 

“I think I’d rather walk.” Sam snickered.

 

“I think I’d rather punch you in the face.” Dean snapped, lunging forward again.

 

“Dean you’re going to crash the car if you keep spasming like this.” Sam stated more seriously. “Pull over and go take a shit before you kill us.”

 

“He’s right. I don’t want to die this soon into humanity.” Cas added. “I’ll never know what getting old and suffering low testosterone feels like. I’ll never need erectile dysfunction pills like the ads say.”

 

“That’s a good thing, Cas.” Sam stated. “You don’t want those things.”

 

“I’d rather have them instead of being plastered all over a tree.” Cas said.

 

“Fair point.” Sam mused.

 

Dean had a hand on his stomach now, jaw clenched so tight his teeth hurt. He could feel his bowels moving trying to push their contents out, but the bunker was _so close_. Just a couple more miles and he’d be able to get inside and use the bathroom. He wasn’t going to stop now and let Sam win this argument.

 

“You don’t look alright, Dean.” Cas said, putting his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Maybe we should really stop.”

 

“No!” Dean shouted with strain heavy in his voice. “The bunker is right up here! We’re almost back!”

 

“Jeez. Fine.” Cas muttered, leaning back into the car. “No need to be so harsh. We’re only looking out for your well-being here.”

 

“I’m a big boy, Castiel. I can handle my own well-being.” Dean argued, a loud fart ripping into the tense atmosphere of the Impala.

 

“Was that completely dry?” Sam teased, his inner child laughing at the sound.

 

“Yes.” Dean scoffed, knowing that was a lie though since a _little bit_ of something more than air got through. But nothing that wouldn’t look like usual skid-marks. He hoped. He wouldn’t want to wash more than that.

 

“I still think we should stop the car.” Cas mumbled, a little hurt by Dean’s yelling.

 

“I agree.” Sam sighed, nudging Dean in the arm.

 

“Leave me alone.” Dean groaned, now leaning pretty far forward to try and quell the pain. He could feel warmth starting to _ooze_ out of him and he was pretty sure he was going to pull a muscle or three with how tense everything was. He wasn’t even sure if he’d be able to walk without shitting himself once he got to the bunker, but he was going to worry about that once they were there.

 

They were about half a mile out and he had to go a bit slower with how erratic he was becoming and how twisting the road was. He was officially sitting in a small puddle of wet mush that would probably be visible to anyone looking at his ass if he was standing, but they were almost there.

 

“Would you like me to drive?” Sam offered. “You know? Before you kill us all?”

 

“No!” Dean shouted, the forceful yelling causing his abdomen to contract and push a good amount of diarrhea into his pants, the solidity of it masking the sound. It was a disgusting feeling and he felt dirty and gross and embarrassed, but he just wanted to get to a bathroom. Though at this point he knew he wouldn’t be able to walk and he’d settle for the ground outside the bunker. But he wasn’t about to have Sam and Cas sitting in the car watching him hemorrhage shit all over the place. They were going to be long out of sight and in the bunker before he’d do that.

 

Dean began whimpering and groaning and breathing heavy as he saw the clearing where they usually park outside the hatch entrance to the bunker. He sped up immensely to get there as he felt his body begin to work without him and begin filling up his pants.

 

“Dean do not crash this car. It does not have functional airbags last I checked.” Sam drawled.

 

Dean could now see the indention in the ground where the hatch was situated and began slowing down just a little so they wouldn’t crash anywhere and would brake in time.

 

They got close enough and as Dean slammed on the brakes, it made the rest of his muscles react and he lost full control of his bowels. He was leaning forward and sitting down so everything only had one place to go - up. Wet, soupy shit began spilling up the back of his waistband and overflowing onto the seat back and then falling over the sides of his legs.

 

Sam and Cas both cringed and scrambled to get out of the car for Dean’s sake since they were close enough to let themselves into the bunker.

 

Dean sat paralyzed in shock, still pushing more and more out of himself and feeling it just keep coming up from his pants and all over the seat and the car. He finally registered what was going on and scrambled out of the car, standing right outside of it. The seat of his pants was so heavy and sagged and as he stood, he could feel all of his excrements sliding down the back of his legs and he gagged a little. He went to undo his pants so that he could push them down and finish on the dirt, but there was no point. It would just get shit all over himself and he’d rather clean himself up in the bathroom all at once than have to walk through the bunker a mess. He shamefully finished his movement in his pants, feeling it fill up different parts of his pants now that he was standing.

 

He looked at his car afterwards and groaned in a mixture of disgust and pain and all other negative emotions. There was shit basically everywhere on his side. The seat itself was wet and brown and a mess and the floor was a mess and shit had fallen down the sides of the seat and completely soaked into the fabric. He knew immediately he was going to have to get his seat re-upholstered since it would leave so much staining, but he was going to have so much cleaning to do.

 

Dean stood there for a few minutes, calming down and processing what had just happened before he got back into the car, making a small whine at the feeling of sitting back down into a pile of loose stool and inched the car forward to where it belonged in front of the bunker. When he got out of the car, there was a large pile of towels, a couple buckets of water, a pair of gloves, and a bathrobe sitting out in front of the entrance to the bunker with a small note attached that said, “Hope this helps. Sorry I didn’t have any actual Tums.”

 

Dean immediately took off his soiled clothes and used two of the towels and the water to clean himself up, but stayed naked to clean out the rest of the car, not wanting to put on a clean bathrobe and end up getting shit all over himself again. Naked, cold, and ashamed to the deepest level of hell, he put on the heavy, rubber cleaning gloves, grabbed a towel, dipped it in some water, and began trying to clean his car.

**Author's Note:**

> Was meaning to write a scat fic for a lil while, but didn't get the motivation to do so until I found [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7736011/comments/72953308) tasteful fic which was an A+ read. 10/10 recommend. All their stuff is amazing.


End file.
